Saturday, April 7, 2012

I Have a Herring Problem

(suggested independently by Charlie and Laura)

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you need me to speak up?

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Uh-oh Roll Down the Window

Too late, this nail polish name already made me vomit.

(Suggested by presumably-nauseated reader Jessika)

It's not the first time we've tackled unpleasant body fluids here (cf. Jizz), but at least that has a certain tawdry Paris-Hilton-getting-out-of-a-limo glamour to it. This, on the other hand, caters to that large segment of the population who are constantly wondering, "Is there any product I could apply to my nails to remind me of how much I enjoy throwing up? Bonus if it can include that feeling of desperate helplessness from being trapped in a moving, confined area while the contents of my stomach are flung into the windshields of unsuspecting motorists!"

Apparently this is from OPI's "Touring America" collection, which I assume includes such similarly pleasant classics as Gas is HOW Much a Gallon?, State Trooper on a Power Trip, Why Didn't You Go Before We Left?, If You Two Don't Shut Up Back There I Swear I'm Taking Off My Belt, and Goddamn It, If I Have to Eat at Cracker Barrel Again, Tiny Faux-Rustic Rocking Chairs Are Going to Start Seeping Out of My Eye Sockets. The good news is that after wearing that last one, a top coat of Uh-oh Roll Down the Window would be entirely apropos.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Fiji Weejee Fawn

I just…I just don't even. What is this? I would accuse this bizarre and incomprehensible name of being selected by the world's least propitious random noun generator, but that would be far too generous considering that an entire third of this name is not in fact a noun and is not, so far as I can tell, even a word at all.

Suggested by lovely reader Gillian.

You know what? I need to retain some level of faith in humanity. I am going to assume that this name is a brilliant Wittgensteinian, Dogg's Hamlet kind of epistemological critique on how, despite years of apparently successful communication, there is really no way ever to know that we mean the same thing as anyone else by the words we use. Except instead of "plank" meaning "pass me the next piece," "Fiji Weejee Fawn" means "Don't ever let me name a nail polish again or you will be liable for gross negligence to our shareholders."

It is really almost besides the point to mention that in no possible way does this color resemble Fiji or a fawn. I am sure, however, that it is a dead ringer for weejee.